"Yes, what joy for those whose record the LORD has cleared of sin, whose lives are lived in complete honesty! When I refused to confess my sin, I was weak and miserable, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, 'I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.' And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone." - Psalm 32:2-5 (NLT).
"How can I get rid of this terrible guilt?" a distraught father recently asked me. "I have been in a terrible conflict with one of my sons for many years. Two weeks ago I was so frustrated with him that I said to myself, 'I wish he would die.' That night he died."
This father is blaming himself for the death of his son. In his mind he is convinced that Satan killed him because of his wish.
I can understand why this father is distraught. However, the fact is, he didn't cause his son to die. His son had been very ill for some time and died of natural causes. If Satan had anything to do with this matter, it was sowing the lie in the father's mind about the devil killing his son. What the father is struggling with is not guilt but false guilt.
One of the difficulties regarding guilt is learning to tell the difference between real guilt and false guilt. Because they pretty much feel the same, it can be challenging to sort out the real from the false.
Some counselors claim that all guilt is psychologically damaging, but this is nonsense. If we don't feel guilty when we do wrong, we'd be a bunch of psychopaths with dead consciences. It's false guilt that is psychologically damaging because it keeps people in endless bondage not because of what they did, but because of their faulty thinking.
To resolve real guilt, for our spiritual wellbeing we need to admit what we have done wrong, confess it to God and ask for his forgiveness. When we do this God forgives us. He promised he would. - 1 John 1:9. For our mental wellbeing we also need to confess our wrongdoing to at least one trusted friend or counselor, and wherever possible ask the one we wronged for their forgiveness and seek to make amends for what we have done. And then, regardless of whether
this person forgives us or not, God has forgiven us and we need to forgive ourselves. When we genuinely do this, we experience the relief that David experienced when he confessed his sin with Bathsheba.
However, if having done all of this and we still feel guilty, the feeling is false guilt and that is a totally different matter.
"How can I get rid of this terrible guilt?" a distraught father recently asked me. "I have been in a terrible conflict with one of my sons for many years. Two weeks ago I was so frustrated with him that I said to myself, 'I wish he would die.' That night he died."
This father is blaming himself for the death of his son. In his mind he is convinced that Satan killed him because of his wish.
I can understand why this father is distraught. However, the fact is, he didn't cause his son to die. His son had been very ill for some time and died of natural causes. If Satan had anything to do with this matter, it was sowing the lie in the father's mind about the devil killing his son. What the father is struggling with is not guilt but false guilt.
One of the difficulties regarding guilt is learning to tell the difference between real guilt and false guilt. Because they pretty much feel the same, it can be challenging to sort out the real from the false.
Some counselors claim that all guilt is psychologically damaging, but this is nonsense. If we don't feel guilty when we do wrong, we'd be a bunch of psychopaths with dead consciences. It's false guilt that is psychologically damaging because it keeps people in endless bondage not because of what they did, but because of their faulty thinking.
To resolve real guilt, for our spiritual wellbeing we need to admit what we have done wrong, confess it to God and ask for his forgiveness. When we do this God forgives us. He promised he would. - 1 John 1:9. For our mental wellbeing we also need to confess our wrongdoing to at least one trusted friend or counselor, and wherever possible ask the one we wronged for their forgiveness and seek to make amends for what we have done. And then, regardless of whether
this person forgives us or not, God has forgiven us and we need to forgive ourselves. When we genuinely do this, we experience the relief that David experienced when he confessed his sin with Bathsheba.
However, if having done all of this and we still feel guilty, the feeling is false guilt and that is a totally different matter.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." - James 5:16 (NIV).
Yesterday we discussed how to overcome real guilt by confessing what we have done wrong both to God and to at least one trusted person and, where possible, to the one we have hurt or wronged. When we do this, real guilt goes.
However, if having done the above and I still feel guilty, the feeling is false guilt and that is totally different issue. With false guilt I can confess what I have done wrong (or think I have done wrong) until the cows come home, but the feeling will never go away because it isn't guilt.
False guilt is a conditioned response that is usually learned in childhood. If, for example, I lived up to my parent's every expectation, did everything the way they wanted it done, and even believed the same as they believed and so on, they would give me their love and approval. If, on the other hand, I didn't conform to their every expectation (be they realistic or not), they would withdraw their love and approval, and I would be left feeling guilty. That's false guilt. In other words, this kind of love is conditional, but conditional love isn't love at all. It's a means of controlling others.
Immature parents aren't the only ones that use false guilt to control others. Legalistic churches and religious groups are notorious for doing this. This keeps their followers in bondage, hinders their growth in maturity, and stops their depending on God's Spirit to direct them rather than depending on their legalist leaders.
False guilt can also be the result of being a perfectionist or having perfectionistic tendencies. When one doesn't live up to his unrealistic expectations of himself, like his parents of old, he sends himself on a false guilt trip.
So how do we overcome false guilt? I wish I had a simple answer, but I don't. Nor do I have a magic wand to make the problem vanish. Resolving false guilt requires a reprogramming of one's thinking as well as his/her emotional responses. One's "guilty self-image" in large part was programmed in the past by what one did or didn't do; that is, failing to conform to somebody else's unrealistic demands and not doing what was expected of him or her.
Reprogramming is achieved over time by developing a guilt-free healthy self-image based on who one IS and NOT on what he/she did or didn't do. As I let a trusted friend or counselor see the real me— warts and all—and he/she loves and accepts me as I am, little by little I learn to love and accept myself in the same way that God loves and accepts me. This takes courageous honesty, commitment to recovery, and perseverance. God's Word, the Bible, provides the essential key for this healing: "Therefore confess your sins [and faults] one to another and pray for one another so that you may be healed."
Yesterday we discussed how to overcome real guilt by confessing what we have done wrong both to God and to at least one trusted person and, where possible, to the one we have hurt or wronged. When we do this, real guilt goes.
However, if having done the above and I still feel guilty, the feeling is false guilt and that is totally different issue. With false guilt I can confess what I have done wrong (or think I have done wrong) until the cows come home, but the feeling will never go away because it isn't guilt.
False guilt is a conditioned response that is usually learned in childhood. If, for example, I lived up to my parent's every expectation, did everything the way they wanted it done, and even believed the same as they believed and so on, they would give me their love and approval. If, on the other hand, I didn't conform to their every expectation (be they realistic or not), they would withdraw their love and approval, and I would be left feeling guilty. That's false guilt. In other words, this kind of love is conditional, but conditional love isn't love at all. It's a means of controlling others.
Immature parents aren't the only ones that use false guilt to control others. Legalistic churches and religious groups are notorious for doing this. This keeps their followers in bondage, hinders their growth in maturity, and stops their depending on God's Spirit to direct them rather than depending on their legalist leaders.
False guilt can also be the result of being a perfectionist or having perfectionistic tendencies. When one doesn't live up to his unrealistic expectations of himself, like his parents of old, he sends himself on a false guilt trip.
So how do we overcome false guilt? I wish I had a simple answer, but I don't. Nor do I have a magic wand to make the problem vanish. Resolving false guilt requires a reprogramming of one's thinking as well as his/her emotional responses. One's "guilty self-image" in large part was programmed in the past by what one did or didn't do; that is, failing to conform to somebody else's unrealistic demands and not doing what was expected of him or her.
Reprogramming is achieved over time by developing a guilt-free healthy self-image based on who one IS and NOT on what he/she did or didn't do. As I let a trusted friend or counselor see the real me— warts and all—and he/she loves and accepts me as I am, little by little I learn to love and accept myself in the same way that God loves and accepts me. This takes courageous honesty, commitment to recovery, and perseverance. God's Word, the Bible, provides the essential key for this healing: "Therefore confess your sins [and faults] one to another and pray for one another so that you may be healed."
Prayer: "Our Loving Heavenly Father, please help me to see when I am experiencing false guilt. please help me to always admit and confess my sins so I can be forgiven and therein resolve my
feelings of guilt. And when I experience false guilt, help me to see it for what it is and get the help I need to overcome it. Help me to understand the root cause of this problem and find a trusted and accepting friend or counselor to whom I can confess all my sins and faults, and experience their unconditional acceptance and receive your healing and deliverance. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, In Jesus loving Name I Pray, Amen."
feelings of guilt. And when I experience false guilt, help me to see it for what it is and get the help I need to overcome it. Help me to understand the root cause of this problem and find a trusted and accepting friend or counselor to whom I can confess all my sins and faults, and experience their unconditional acceptance and receive your healing and deliverance. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, In Jesus loving Name I Pray, Amen."
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